Roses and Heartaches

You don’t need to beg anyone to like you. You don’t need to convince a guy to choose you. You don’t need to show him that you’re worth it, you know why? Because a guy that knows, knows. Its either he wants you for the long run or he just wants to play, and honey, you shouldn’t play that game. That’s why we have always been asked to be wary of who we spend our time with, who we feed our soul to, people will drain you in many ways, physically, mentally, intellectually, some will dry your soul and most will leave you running on empty whilst wrongfully wanting more of you. Always be smart enough to figure this out so you don’t wake up one day feeling like trash and putting yourself to blame. Your value does not depreciate based on someone’s inability to see your worth, that’s why you should always treat yourself like you want others to treat you, set that example.

People tend to ask me what scares me the most and are always surprised at my answers. They probably expected answers like spiders, ghosts etc, but no, that’s not what scares me. What I’m scared most of is not someone falling out of love with me, I think it’s inevitable, I'm not scared of being looked at one day and deciding I'm not good enough, I probably never was, I'm not scared of hate; no!  I'm scared of starting afresh, i truly am. I am scared of baring myself open to someone else again because it didn't work out the other time. I am honestly scared of trying again on the possibility of this could be it. I’m scared that I'd make the same mistake or get hurt all over again, I'm scared of a pattern, fall in love with me, then decide I'm no longer what you want, and u fall out of love with me, letting go, just like that. I don’t know how people survive this, but it scares me to my bones.  And it's what keeps me up at night.  

Everything is fine with new love until it hits the rock and then you start to wonder how you could be so stupid as to have repeated the exact mistakes again. You find yourself in a situation where you don’t know if you should laugh at your stupidity or cry cause you’re hurting so bad and it feels like this is it, there’s no recovering from this one. You begin to wonder where it all went wrong. You reflect, you reminisce. Hey, i did all i was supposed to do, i gave my all without holding back, i played my role like i should, so where did it go wrong, again? You start to question yourself, self doubt sets in. You begin to feel not worth it, it’s only logical right? Considering everyone that’s ever claimed to care left when you needed them most, so what’s new? Everything will be fine baby. Like they say, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince. Your love story isn’t just ready yet and when it is, it will be all shades of worth it. Smile baby, smile.

You don't get to let me make you my everything and leave like i was nothing to you. You don't get to make me bare myself entirely open to you and you act indifferent about it like its a regular occurrence. You don't get to make me fall for you and not treat me like i should be treated. You don't get to give me a taste of what i have been missing out on pull out the rug from off underneath my feet. You don't get to show me a glimpse of forever and take that vision away. I've seen this before, and despite the hurt, I'll smile and unconsciously start rebuilding my walls. It's what you wanted isn't it? You wanted to know if i was capable of feeling, well, you've won, you can leave now.

February 14 th is just another day. I don’t think you need to wait for a particular day to exceptionally love someone, it’s just too lopsided. You don’t need a reason to love someone, you don’t need a universal date, you should love that someone every day, and if you don’t feel loved each day then you should question yourself and the person that claims to love you. Find the person that loves you every single day and calls you beautiful even when you look like shit and makes you feel like every day is ‘valentime’s’ day baby. You have a heart so big, so you need a love even bigger, love that would touch every core and brighten every dark sides of you.                                                                                               ...

I really had high hopes for us like i was on drugs. You were my high, i didn’t mind the addiction, my favourite kind of drug. I thought we had forever; you gave me good moments, even if we were miserable most times, i still wanted a lie to hold onto. Now all i have is sadness feeding into my soul and i can feel those demons in my bones.. I got addicted to drugs not meant for my bloodstream, drugs i couldn’t afford and somehow cannot do without, i needed that constant supply, that high you gave.   I let you imprint on my soul. Now all i am is a crumpled mess, blue blood in my veins, shattered soul, an addict with no hope of recovery. Why did you get me hooked on you? Why did i let you become the air i needed to breathe? And now that you’re gone, where does that leave me?      

Sometimes i don’t know what i miss the most; the memories or you. I think the memories though, because if i had to choose between them and you, i’d choose them. You remind me of everything that went wrong, every wrong choices i ever made, but these memories, they keep me, they remind me of a happy time in my life, they tell me everything that could have been, and that’s when i understood it was over; when our memories turned out to be my happy place- my means of escape.